Listening for and then meeting our needs - the ultimate act of I LOVE ME!

Whew, I must admit, March was an exhausting month where I was not in the flow with myself and gratefully turning the corner into April has been marked by a calm groundedness that I often experience after a turbulent time. Too many things converged and I am integrating them all in this single blog. Two highlights were a meeting with a spiritual teacher to get some perspective on the events going on for me and a pretty insightful night with Marshall Rosenberg who is the founder of Nonviolent Communication.

In all the convergences of the past three weeks, I was reminded that the key ingredients that were missing were self-acceptance and careful attention to my own needs. Even when I did notice that "hey I need to rest" or "hey I need to play with paint" or "hey I need to go be in the trees" I somehow felt obligated to "do" or "go to that party I committed to" or "finish that project at home" or "not get the sleep I need".

I had a clear reminder to no longer water the seeds of my wounding any longer: old beliefs that replay "if you express having needs you will be punished " and "if you aren't performing you have no value". Old stuff ready to be shed from my family system and from the culture which taught me I better do a lot and not have any needs while I was doing it. I am clear I do not want to teach these values to my children. What I was reminded of, from my spiritual teacher, was the way I was working with this psychologically to shed these beliefs- self diagnosing, heady and and on the surface wasn't going to help me. In fact, I was exhausting myself in how I was working on myself - out of step with what I was needing even in shedding these beliefs.

The recipe, I was reminded, was I LOVE ME all over again. A deep loving acceptance of myself which included first accepting how I was relating to my needs, then being "headless" at how I was processing this old wound. I was instructed to move totally from my heart, observing and empathizing with myself and then slowing down to find out what I was needing in that moment and then finally using my voice to compassionately make requests to get my needs met.

It was awkward as I made requests of people around my needs in an open, empathic, soft hearted way. There were moments my own fear that "this person is going to punish me for having a need" reared its ugly head and I had to be with this in a very soft hearted and generous way again and again but it was worth discomfort because, as in my last blog entry, I felt empowered by acknowledging that I DO HAVE NEEDS and I oddly felt closer to the people I was making requests of.

This is not a self centered "I want a new car" set of needs - let me be clear. Marshall Rosenberg has a whole list of needs all us humans share. In fact, he points out a distinct methodology to follow and I highly recommend his book Non Violent Communication if you want a clear way to get your needs met in relationship and to learn to empathize with others. I am a big fan of uber practical and uncannily simple concepts that one can apply and his stuff is just that. What is amazing about actually observing the feelings we are feeling and empathizing with ourselves around our needs and then making requests to get them met is that it is not only a total act of I LOVE ME it is also an act of real intimacy with others.

Marshall talks about how anger and judgement when relating to other people is always about our needs not being met and then teaches how to communicate in a way that both honors the needs of ourselves and of others. I had to laugh and grimace as I reflected on all the times in relationship that I lashed out in anger not realizing that really what was happening is I had a need that wasn't getting met.

Some quotes from Marshall's book that I think will hit a few points for the reader;

"...when the sole energy that motivates us is simply to make life wonderful for others and ourselves than even hard work has an element of play in it."

"[Things not to be motivated by: money, approval, avoiding punishment, avoiding shame, avoiding guilt, duty.]"

"Anger co-opts our energy by directing it toward punishing people rather than meeting our needs."

"We are accustomed to thinking about what's wrong with other people when our needs aren't being fulfilled."

"We have four options when we hear a difficult message from another person: (1) blame ourselves (2)blame others (3) sense our own feelings and needs (4) sense the others' feelings and needs."

"...we are aware that we can never meet our own needs at the expense of others."

In the end, the impact of the last three weeks has been this;
1. I softened to people who have often been very critical of me realizing that what was going on was not about me but some need of theirs that they were struggling to express and get met in those moments. I thought of my mother and all the times she has harshly criticized me over my lifetime and softened imaging all of her needs that were going unmet in those moments of criticism and how it wasn't my fault and isn't about me.

2. I softened to myself recognizing that thru connecting moment by moment, slowly, calmly to my feelings, my body I could identify my needs for meaning, autonomy, spirituality, connectedness and love. It is connecting to these human needs that Marshall says we all share that allows me to live a joyous and fully alive life.

I hope my sharing inspires your own commitment to observing and feeling what it is you need and taking empowered steps to get your needs met in a way that serves yourself and others.
Much Love,
Traci