Which do you choose: your truth or funky energy?

The whole needs business from two blog posts ago has been on my mind quite a bit. Really amazing what kind of funky energy we/I generate when we second guess if we are "entitled" to have our needs, boundaries or our "no". If we can be clean and clear and really keep the negative self-talk that says something like "you need to be pleasing to all or you aren't of value" to a minimum then when we actually express our needs it is clearer, cleaner and way more loving towards both parties. Our expression is devoid of the funk because our whole heart is behind our words.

One of the issues that has come up time and time again for me is how much I am willing to share about my I LOVE ME tee business. I get varied responses from folks who ask me to share my suppliers and I express my need to keep some things exclusive. I have learned that this simple act of expressing my need is not such a simple act but the greatest invitation and blessing of doing this I LOVE ME project. It challenges that part of me that believes in order to be part of a community I have to please everyone and never have a no...an old habit I am getting a lot of support breaking. It challenges me to choose my truth over creating funky energy.

To me, it felt clear that before I started creating a business around I LOVE ME tees I had to get clear where my boundaries, where my "yes's" and "no's" were. I am trying to live I LOVE ME in the context of the doing smart business and that means organizing in a particular way around what it is I need in business and around this message. That is not devoid of being in community.

I think what is so amazing and creative and desirable about a supportive community is how you contribute where you choose and you don't in the places you choose not to, you stretch and grow and as a community you create more than you can alone but you also drum up a lot of intimacy. Heartfelt and authentic truth speaking is supported in a nurturing way that deepens not only intimacy but also our sense of aliveness. My intention is to speak clearly from my ground and from my heart in an authentic clear contactful way around my truth and give space and a deeply attentive ear to others to speak theirs as well. To me, this kind of contact is exciting stuff!

What is your truth and how are you choosing to express it?

Ode to my dear friend...

A dear friend of mine who I admire and respect in so many ways I cannot possibly capture her essence for you here...her courage, honesty, compassion, empathy for others, her anger, her perseverance, and heart is hurting tonight.

And yet she always manages, even in her dark and hurting moments, to speak her truth with so much grace and non-blaming of others. Her authenticity busts my heart wide open as we connect and hang out there in this hard place of old wounds and yet totally dignified self-responsibility. Tonight I am inclined to write her a love letter, a letter of comfort and peace and gratitude for her willingness to be here, on this earth, growing roots down into the soil without evaporating into the spiritual ether even though she is a deeply spiritual woman and without wrangling about in fits and spurts of anger and judgement. She most embodies compassion and inspires me as she busts on through.

I write this down in this blog so publicly because I think many of us feel dark and stuck and those are the times when loving ourselves is the absolute hardest...argh! So perhaps this love note will remind me, you, us how to be towards ourselves in these dark places and every day and it will imprint our hearts as a permanent reminder.

Ode to My Dear Friend

I hear your words, they expand my heart with width and depth and breadth
I know I cannot make the hurts from then or from now go away but I can send
You my love my dear friend, my cherished friend.

You inspire me with your truth, openness and vulnerability.
You inspire me with your anger and shut down places.
You inspire me with your strength to persevere.
You inspire me by letting me in to see it and be with you in all of it.

I hear your history in your words tonight from many moons ago.
I hear and feel that young girl's breath, breathing but hushed in silence.
She can't speak, won't speak because she is sad and mad and all those other things
She can't speak because she is certain someone will tell her she shouldn't be
feeling what she is feeling.
She won't speak because she wants to abandon them before they abandon her.
She is sure she is alone.

I send you a magic blanket to wrap yourself in until you feel you can come out from your silence.
Until then, I will wait, sending you love and trusting that you will come around the bend on this tricky sticky point in the road.
I trust you will find that part of you that knows how to wrap yourself in that blanket and hold you in ways you didn't get back then.
I trust you find that part of you that says "I am on your side no matter what so just lay here and rest until you are ready. I Love You and I always have and always will. I am here and you are not alone."

And your body will relax, your face will soften, your thoughts will diminish and you will speak.
Until then, I will wait, sending you love.

Listening for and then meeting our needs - the ultimate act of I LOVE ME!

Whew, I must admit, March was an exhausting month where I was not in the flow with myself and gratefully turning the corner into April has been marked by a calm groundedness that I often experience after a turbulent time. Too many things converged and I am integrating them all in this single blog. Two highlights were a meeting with a spiritual teacher to get some perspective on the events going on for me and a pretty insightful night with Marshall Rosenberg who is the founder of Nonviolent Communication.

In all the convergences of the past three weeks, I was reminded that the key ingredients that were missing were self-acceptance and careful attention to my own needs. Even when I did notice that "hey I need to rest" or "hey I need to play with paint" or "hey I need to go be in the trees" I somehow felt obligated to "do" or "go to that party I committed to" or "finish that project at home" or "not get the sleep I need".

I had a clear reminder to no longer water the seeds of my wounding any longer: old beliefs that replay "if you express having needs you will be punished " and "if you aren't performing you have no value". Old stuff ready to be shed from my family system and from the culture which taught me I better do a lot and not have any needs while I was doing it. I am clear I do not want to teach these values to my children. What I was reminded of, from my spiritual teacher, was the way I was working with this psychologically to shed these beliefs- self diagnosing, heady and and on the surface wasn't going to help me. In fact, I was exhausting myself in how I was working on myself - out of step with what I was needing even in shedding these beliefs.

The recipe, I was reminded, was I LOVE ME all over again. A deep loving acceptance of myself which included first accepting how I was relating to my needs, then being "headless" at how I was processing this old wound. I was instructed to move totally from my heart, observing and empathizing with myself and then slowing down to find out what I was needing in that moment and then finally using my voice to compassionately make requests to get my needs met.

It was awkward as I made requests of people around my needs in an open, empathic, soft hearted way. There were moments my own fear that "this person is going to punish me for having a need" reared its ugly head and I had to be with this in a very soft hearted and generous way again and again but it was worth discomfort because, as in my last blog entry, I felt empowered by acknowledging that I DO HAVE NEEDS and I oddly felt closer to the people I was making requests of.

This is not a self centered "I want a new car" set of needs - let me be clear. Marshall Rosenberg has a whole list of needs all us humans share. In fact, he points out a distinct methodology to follow and I highly recommend his book Non Violent Communication if you want a clear way to get your needs met in relationship and to learn to empathize with others. I am a big fan of uber practical and uncannily simple concepts that one can apply and his stuff is just that. What is amazing about actually observing the feelings we are feeling and empathizing with ourselves around our needs and then making requests to get them met is that it is not only a total act of I LOVE ME it is also an act of real intimacy with others.

Marshall talks about how anger and judgement when relating to other people is always about our needs not being met and then teaches how to communicate in a way that both honors the needs of ourselves and of others. I had to laugh and grimace as I reflected on all the times in relationship that I lashed out in anger not realizing that really what was happening is I had a need that wasn't getting met.

Some quotes from Marshall's book that I think will hit a few points for the reader;

"...when the sole energy that motivates us is simply to make life wonderful for others and ourselves than even hard work has an element of play in it."

"[Things not to be motivated by: money, approval, avoiding punishment, avoiding shame, avoiding guilt, duty.]"

"Anger co-opts our energy by directing it toward punishing people rather than meeting our needs."

"We are accustomed to thinking about what's wrong with other people when our needs aren't being fulfilled."

"We have four options when we hear a difficult message from another person: (1) blame ourselves (2)blame others (3) sense our own feelings and needs (4) sense the others' feelings and needs."

"...we are aware that we can never meet our own needs at the expense of others."

In the end, the impact of the last three weeks has been this;
1. I softened to people who have often been very critical of me realizing that what was going on was not about me but some need of theirs that they were struggling to express and get met in those moments. I thought of my mother and all the times she has harshly criticized me over my lifetime and softened imaging all of her needs that were going unmet in those moments of criticism and how it wasn't my fault and isn't about me.

2. I softened to myself recognizing that thru connecting moment by moment, slowly, calmly to my feelings, my body I could identify my needs for meaning, autonomy, spirituality, connectedness and love. It is connecting to these human needs that Marshall says we all share that allows me to live a joyous and fully alive life.

I hope my sharing inspires your own commitment to observing and feeling what it is you need and taking empowered steps to get your needs met in a way that serves yourself and others.
Much Love,
Traci