Forgiveness: a continuation of the acceptance theme

I was just re reading my last blog entry and it touched me all over again. Thought I would share the latest progression of I LOVE ME and how this judgement vs acceptance dance has gotten me down and dirty with the notion of forgiveness.

Not sure I have some wonderful words of wisdom to impart am still in the wonder phase myself and am curious about the monkey of grudges on my own back. It is almost like an old back pack, loaded down and heavy with sharp jagged rocks poking me in the sides, slumping me over, putting creases in my forward as I twist my face into a scowl of disappointment. It sure seems to me that any old trespasses that we don't forgive we carry around waiting for repayment, waiting for that person to be different or waiting for the world to be different because folks in our lives a long time ago were let us down and we can see that that is due to their own human imperfection just like our own. Or at least this is the way I experience all this right now.

Don't get me wrong...anger wasn't an inappropriate emotion to feel and felt move thru but when the anger becomes a grudge...well that is just calling for the remedy of forgiveness and practicing I LOVE ME gives me the patience with myself to get there little by little.

I feel pretty clear forgiveness is for more a gift for me. I get to let go of expectations that are hopeless in their possibility of every coming true and so as I let go, I unhook the other from any obligation but more importantly I begin taking rocks out of the back pack and maybe even one day will take it off.

Whew...I wonder if I will know how to walk being that light? Will the wind just blow me over if I am not clutching after some grudge or expectation to keep me in place? I suspect this fear of what is on the other side of letting go of my hand holds is best melted away by I LOVE ME. I will keep you posted on what is on the other side of the "back pack/ monkey free" journey. The load is already feeling lighter after years of work on myself.

I hope for you the load is light, that I LOVE ME helps you face the fear of what is on the other side of growing up and letting go of old crappola.

I hope you are staying warm and cozy in this cold winter!
Traci

Wild Boars Running Wild!

Happy New Year! Had some log in troubles to the blog site so no posts for awhile. Just a little personal account rather than an academic or philosophical commentary tonight.

Man oh man has my super ego been getting the best of me...you know, that part of yourself that is always pointing out what you or other people are doing wrong - the judge and jury inside your brain. I am really giving I LOVE ME a run for its money as these wild boars run wild in my head trodding all over me. (Metaphor comes from a solo camping trip I did where I came face to face with wild boars).

It is in these times, however, that I see how much growth I have made in my life and it reminds me of the importance of my meditation practice. For it is in meditation that I can calm the wild boars: the thoughts and criticisms and projections my mind makes and it is in meditation that I also settle in to acceptance. A friend of mine and I were talking about this very notion of acceptance sharing our experience of acceptance. Right now for me there is a firm polarity or juxtaposition of judgement vs. acceptance which has been really working me over during the holidays. Judgement of myself and others vs acceptance of myself and others. There are so many parts of myself and subsequently others I like to judge for various reasons and what I am learning is that patterns of thinking or emotions that do nothing but cause suffering are worth getting a handle on. It isn't about making ourselves wrong for being judgemental or whatever else we are being but rather to train our minds, to sit with open attention and get at the root of the root where liberation lies from the suffering our negative thinking has on our hearts, minds and bodies.

Let me tell you though, sitting with judgement is one hot potato. As I sat with this feeling it was so hard for me to unattach to the judgements I felt coming up. I noticed a strong tense anxiety - a kind hurriedness and I realized that that anxiety was a "hurry up let's meditate this feeling away". Well isn't that interesting? I went right into that hurry up feeling like a sky diver speeding towards a target and sunk right into the middle of it. I was shocked at the answers that emerged: the simplicity was that I had to just accept that I was gripped by my own judgement. That was all there was to do was to just notice and accept that "oh I am gripped by judgement right now" and what was remarkable was as soon as I accepted that, I became un attached to my judgments.

What a revelation in the moment. I always worried the opposite would be true...that in my own acceptance of icky things I was doing, I would just do or think those icky things more...it isn't true.

So it is thru acceptance that led to an unattached distance to my reactive emotional state that let me come down. That said, I have had to come back to this memory of acceptance many times over the last several weeks to tame the wild boars but each time it works...I will sure be glad when I do not need to be made a believer time and again but anyway.

I hope you are finding a deepening acceptance of whatever is true for you and not letting the wild boars get you down.

Much Love,
Traci