This entire year of working with I LOVE ME in my own life has been a massive lesson in entitlement and what that means. It seems to be a theme for much of what is going on for those around me as well. I would like to unpack some of the beliefs about entitlement and what happens when, in fact, we don't "step in" to our own space and claim our rights and the sneaky unconscious ways anger, jealousy, competition, gossip, depression, and even self-hatred can creep in to replace our entitlement to our own needs.
There are many barriers to "I LOVE ME" and entitlement. We might wonder;
"Am I entitled to be that big to actually say out loud that I LOVE ME?"
"Isn't I LOVE ME a little self absorbed or narcissistic?"
"Shouldn't I be putting others first before my self?"
This is a tricky subject because in American culture right now, we are in a time of narcissism and self-absorption; "the ME culture" as pop culture has referred to it. So how could we possibly need a lesson in how to be entitled? Some of the signs of narcissism in varying degrees include arrogance, attention seeking, self-focus, a lack of empathy, etc. But all these defenses are only protection mechanisms so we don't have to feel how much pain exists underneath for having faults or aspects of our personality that might make us unlovable or unpopular to others.
How did this culture of narcissism begin? There are many theories. Philip Cushman written about in last week's post talks about how during the Industrial Revolution and the growth of large cities with no cultural tradition binding the city together there was a feeling of being "lost in the crowd". This brought rise to this notion of personality over character as that which was the prime measure of success. "Personality meant the ability to be attractive to others, to stand out in a crowd." "Personality was shaped by attending to and manipulating others, not by following moral codes or adhering to religious ideals" (Cushman, 64).
Psychological theory says our culture of narcissism has to do with our primary attachment to our caregivers and takes the cause outside the socio political realm and places our own self-esteem issues squarely on the shoulders of the family system and mothers. Psychology often completely bypasses the role of culture. I think both contribute and therefore more weight should not be given to one than another.
That said, what I love about I LOVE ME is you don't necessarily need to understand "WHY" you can just practice and see what happens. And because this whole culture is permeated with the narcissistic after effect of self worth issues each individual who begins to really root him or herself in this new shared tradition of "I LOVE ME" begins to change the culture at large.
Let's get clear, however, on what I mean about entitlement and I LOVE ME by giving an example. Because some forms of entitlement really are the old defenses of filling up the "empty self" that we talked about last week it feels important to distinguish what is what. Entitlement is the belief and action of our right to be alive. To be alive is to be aware of our present time experience and from that what we want and what we need in any given moment and how we meet those needs and wants. We can meet those needs and wants on our own, by putting on a sweater when we are cold, going to bed when we are tired or eating when we are hungry or we may need to express a need to another person like our husband to help in folding laundry.
Here is where the difficulty comes in. Socially, we are taught to put other people's needs before our own. You are considered likable if you take care of others. Women are famous for doing this. So what we have learned to do is to check out and not even notice what we are feeling and experiencing in the moment and do other things to fill our personal selves up in exchange for all the ways we aren’t noticing our own needs throughout the day.
But wait a minute, you say, "I meet people all the time I find incredibly demanding and have no shame about demanding their needs to be met?" The tricky thing about needs is that if we stuff them long enough or if we don't truly believe we are entitled to have and communicate our needs the only other option we have is to get really angry either in reaction to stuffing them or in order to muster the voice to express them. Other people don't get angry, they just plain get depressed because they go into a place of hopeless despair around the possibility of getting their needs met. Others get competitive and some people will gossip to a third party about their needs rather than risking being in conflict with the person they need to talk with.
Conflict - ah yes conflict - this brings up an important point. Sometimes our entitlement is in conflict with someone else's. What do we do then? We have to love ourselves enough to negotiate. The alternative is stuffing our needs out of fear of this kind of discussion which makes way for the feelings we talked about earlier; anger, depression, jealousy, gossip. This is especially rampant among women in our culture. Ironically, if we can muster the courage to really meet another human in their own entitled aliveness you might be surprised to find that rather than the situation being a scary endeavor of butting heads it is an endeavor of intimacy as each person makes his or her needs known. It is hard, I know. Especially if we have had family and social reinforcement that we she never have needs in the first place.
Replacing this old familial and social reinforcement for having no needs is precisely the value of I LOVE ME. Practicing, believing and living self love means checking in with what we are feeling and experiencing in the moment, catching ourselves thinking in old learned ways or projecting feelings onto others and stopping these behaviors, and moving out in the world in a new way from a place of joyful loving entitlement. The analogy I like to give people is the one of a mother to a newborn. Have you noticed how attuned they often are to their infant? They pay attention to every burp, feeding, cry, gurgle and do everything they can to make that baby comfortable out of love. I LOVE ME is like enacting that same level of motherly attentiveness and care for you.
Finally, dealing with the inevitable NO. What happens if we ask a person to move down one chair at the movies and they say ‘no’? This is another really tricky part of having the courage to ask for what we need...hearing no. Often we can feel hurt, angry or disillusioned. This is a part of the asking process. I LOVE ME not only helps us feel entitled to ask but I LOVE ME helps us feel loveable and loved even if someone in the moment says no to our need. It also helps us remain open and empathic to the 'no' we are receiving on the other end.
I realize, as I write this, that this may not leave room for the times in life where it is appropriate to get very vigilant in service of our needs but that discussion is best served for another entry.
Until then, my wish is for all of us all to feel so warmly attentive to our internal experience that we recognize and name what we need and then meet them when possible the same way a mother does for her newborn infant. And my second wish is that we have courage and stay soft in the face of difference and no.
Much Love to You,
Traci
